Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I had to share my latest find for E.C.'s room, these darling ladybugs on canvas tiles for her wall.
| posted by Shannon at 8:51 AM
Monday, October 30, 2006
10 Questions Not to Ask Adoptive Parents
This is an article I was sent. It was published on AmericanBaby.com. Speaking from experience, I can generally say that this should be required reading for employees of Wal-Mart. I have stopped shopping there because every time I go in a Wal-Mart with Chloe one of these "What Not to Say" questions are asked by the cashier. (I wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I am not and location doesn't seem to matter. I have been asked these questions at W-M in Texas & NJ.)
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By Wesley C. Davidson
What Not to Say
"Who are his 'real' parents?"
"Aren't you wonderful to adopt this child?"
"How could his 'real' mother give away an adorable baby?"
"Do you know anything about his background?"
"What will you do if he searches for his 'real' mother?"
"Your kids look so different? Which one is yours?"
"It's just like having one of your own, isn't it?"
"Why was she given up for adoption?"
"How much did you pay for your baby?"
"Now that you've adopted, you'll probably get pregnant, don't you think?"
What Non-Adoptive Parents Should Know
If you're an adoptive parent, chances are you've heard all or some of these questions. Neighbors, strangers, friends, and yes, even family, may mean well, but their remarks can really grate on adoptive families. Often, non-adoptive parents don't even realize they're asking intrusive questions.
The answers to your questions are going to be framed using these basic points about adoption:
Adoption is permanent.
Adoption is a legal change, involving the court.
Adoption is another good way to create a family.
Some aspects of adoption are private.
Most adopted children grow up to be just fine.
Adoption Language Etiquette
Unless you are part of an adoptive family yourself or know adoptive parents, you probably aren't familiar with words that connote positive adoption feelings. Certain phrases and questions can imply that an adoptive family is inferior. So that you can tell which statements might be considered mettlesome to an adoptive parent, here's an adoption etiquette primer.
It's All in the Family
Foremost, details about adoption belong to the family. When talking to adoptive families, respect their privacy. Be careful what you ask, especially if the adopted child is nearby. You don't have the right to know how much the parents paid for the child, the circumstances leading up to the adoption, or the names of the biological parents. You can ask what country the child was adopted from, how old he is, for example.
Remember that sometimes an adoptive parent doesn't divulge information with his child about the adoption of his sibling until the children are old enough to grasp the family history. Accept that doctors, family members, baby-sitters, and teachers all deserve and will require more detailed information than you will or might receive.
Saints, No. Parents, Yes
Ninety-two percent of adoptive parents have been called "saints," says author David A. Kirk in his book Shared Fate: A Theory and Method of Adoptive Relationships (Ben-Simon Publications). Even such praise can be unsettling: If parents are "special" for adopting, it implies that it takes an extraordinary person to take on an unlovable child, a charity case.
Don't Use Disparaging Language
Use what the experts call "positive adoption language." For example, don't call a biological mother a "real" mother. Isn't the real mother the one who changes diapers, cares for an ill child, and drives him to school? If the biological mother is called "real," then is the adoptive mother "fake?" Similarly, an adopted child is not "given away," or surrendered; his biological mother made an "adoption plan." Why? To ensure a loving home for a child she could not bring up herself.
Adopted Kids Are Not "Chosen!"
You may think this is a compliment, but it can put an unreasonable burden on a child: Because she was chosen, she has to be perfect to be worthy. Besides, it's not truthful -- the adoptive parents were chosen over other applicants.
More on What Not to Say Don't Portray Adopted Kids Like the Media Does!
Be careful that you don't insinuate that adoptive families aren't as good as other families. Realize that the media often portrays birth mothers as teenage runaways and regards adoption as "second-best" parenting. Studies of adoptive kids prove that they are no more problematic than non-adopted children. So, don't form your adoption views on outdated stereotypes.
"Now You'll Get Pregnant!"
Adoptive parents rarely get pregnant after adopting. Only five percent of infertile couples will spontaneously conceive after ending fertility treatments, says author Patricia Irwin Johnston in her book Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know (Perspectives Press). Besides, it's irrelevant now for parents who've adopted children to grow their families: The child is their own so don't tell them "it's just like having one of your own." Parenting, with all its joys and trials, is parenting.
Want to Know More About Adoption? Ask Later.
Perhaps you're thinking of adopting. If your questions are prompted by obtaining more knowledge about adoption, then make a date or ask to telephone the adoptive parent when his child is not present. You will probably receive more straightforward information privately.
Take a Hint!
Many adoptive parents have been coached on how to reply to tactless questions. If they respond: "Why do you want to know?", "I'll have to think about that one," or "I don't have time to answer this now," or if they use humor to deflect your question, then you've probably invaded their territory. Back off!
"Which One Is Yours?"
With foreign adoptions, the child will probably not resemble the adoptive parent. So don't comment on the striking dissimilarity. Who does the child look like? He looks like his biological family. In the case of a biological and adopted child within the same family, don't ask, "Which one is yours?" They both are, and they're siblings, too.
Diplomacy, Please
If you do put your foot in your mouth, don't worry. The adoptive parent will probably not get angry with you, especially if his child is present. Why? It gives the message to the child that there is something bad in asking about adoption and that his parent is annoyed at his adoption. Adoptive parents don't want to sound defensive, curt, or angry; it sets a bad example for their child who needs to learn how to answer his classmates' similar questions.
Adoption Resources
If you're considering adopting or just looking to become more familiar with the topic, read more:
Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives & Friends Must Know (Perspectives Press)
By Patricia Irwin Johnston
Making Sense of Adoption (Harper Paperbacks)
By Lois Melina
Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family (McGraw-Hill)
By Andrew Adesman, M.D. with Christine Adamec and Susan Caughman
The Unofficial Guide to Adopting a Child (Wiley)
By Andrea DellaVecchio, MA
Shared Fate: A Theory and Method of Adoptive Relationships (Ben-Simon Publications)
By David A. Kirk
Wesley Davidson lives in Chappaqua, New York. She is an adoptive parent of two and has been asked questions for over twenty years.
Originally published on AmericanBaby.com, August 2006.
| posted by Shannon at 7:04 AM
Sunday, October 29, 2006
LID???
We are still waiting on our Log-In-Date (LID). I expect that our LID will arrive with the next batch of referrals which will hopefully arrive this week. In the meantime, I am posting some photos of the bounty that belongs to Emma Claire. I am going full force with the ladybug theme for Emma Claire. Her room colors will be red, black, yellow & white. Ladybugs will be everywhere!! I am not starting to decorate her room until closer to referral time as it serves as our guest room right now. In the meantime, I am collecting anything ladybug for her.
I promised Matt when we began this adoption that I would NOT buy Emma Claire ANY more clothes during the wait. You see, during the wait for Chloe I had a bit of a shopping problem. You have to understand, we waited and waited for our referral with only weekly tips from our agency and updates as to where our LID was in the process, but we never got any notification about our personal status in the process until we got the referral call and Chloe's picture. So, we knew we were expecting a child, we were (and are now) paper pregnant, BUT, we didn't have sonogram photos, morning sickness or fetal movements. So, to compensate, I shopped for clothes. It made Chloe real. The child's wardrobe collection could fill a children's boutique. She outgrew clothes that she never even got to wear and they are boxed up with the tags still on. So, my promise to my dear husband is no more clothes for Emma Claire and I have kept it (fingers are crossed behind my back). Ok, Ok, you will notice 1 photo of an outfit I did purchase for her. But, I used my Gymbucks at Gymboree for it. Yes, yes, for those of you who have peeked into Chloe's closet, I am aware I have a problem!!
| posted by Shannon at 9:02 PM
The one outfit I did buy E.C. and some ladybug clothes pins to hold photos. I saw them at IKEA and had to have them.
| posted by Shannon at 6:08 PM
A ladybug pillow and a name plaque for E.C.'s door And, I got these in Canton too! LOVE IT!
| posted by Shannon at 6:07 PM
A picture from to hold E.C.'s referral photo. I also got this in Canton.
| posted by Shannon at 6:06 PM
I love this outfit!! We received this from our friend Johanna & her family. It was E.C.'s first gift. Johanna gave Chloe her 1st gift too. Johanna has the kindest heart!!
| posted by Shannon at 6:04 PM
A painting for E.C.'s room. I purchased this just after we began paperchasing. I got it from a vendor at 1st Monday Trade Days in Canton, TX.
| posted by Shannon at 6:03 PM
This is a ladybug blanket (yippee!) and Little People Sonya Lee doll from my GWCA September DTC secret pal. The UPS man delivered it after 10 p.m. because Matt found it in the morning when he let the dog out.
| posted by Shannon at 6:00 PM
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Hurry up so you can wait!
Ahhh, the second phase of the adoption, the wait, has begun! The first phase of the paperchase is just that, a chase (or race) to compile the numerous documents needed to complete your dossier. You hurry up and get everything together so you can wait for your referral.Our dossier was sent to China on Friday, September 15, 2006. It is now October 19, and I assume that our dossier has been logged in now. We won't find out for certain for a few more weeks and I will be certain to post our date on this blog as well as our website.
Right now, the wait time is 14 months, but we have been warned that it MAY lengthen. I'm not going to complain though. All in good time.
This wait is going to be completely different than Chloe's wait because I have the Chloester to keep me busy. But, I have joined the September DTC Yahoo! group as well as our agency's September DTC Yahoo! group and will be busy with quilt square exchanges and secret pal gift exchanges. They all make the wait a little more bearable.
We have also met some other families in NJ that are adopting from China and are DTC September too. We had dinner with them earlier in the month and we will probably meet up again during the wait.
I am certain that between the blog and the family website that I will have this adoption detailed. No worries there!
| posted by Shannon at 9:11 AM
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Timeline
Friday, December 16, 2005 - Send our "Application to Adopt from China" via FedEx to our agency, Great Wall China Adoption.Monday, December 19, 2005 - Received an email from GWCA that they received our application and are reviewing it. We should hear if we are approved to adopt a 2nd time in 4-10 days!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - Received a phone call from our agency. They needed our height and weight for our application. Other than that material, we will be set to start paperchasing in a few days when they will send us the agency agreement and adoption manual!Thursday, December 29, 2005 - We received the agency agreement via email from GWCA. Matt and I sign it and get it ready to mail out.
Friday, December 30, 2005 - Mail out agency agreement and 1st installment check.Tuesday, January 3, 2006 - GWCA confirms that they received our agency agreement and sends the 1st chapter in the adoption manual. Heard from our social worker and make plans to start homestudy.
Thursday, January 26, 2006 - after a slow start to paperchasing due to trips to New York, we order certified copies of Shannon's birth certificate and our marriage certificate; write our Letter of Intent to adopt to the CCAA, prepare documents for I-600A and begin getting employment verification for Matt and SAHM letter for Shannon.
Friday, January 27, 2006 - Shannon visits and receives a letter from her specialist on her ability to parent.
Monday, January 30, 2006 - Shannon has her physical exam for the adoption; Shannon's birth certificate arrives in the mail.
Friday, February 17, 2006 - Matt has his physical exam; we complete the autobiography and email it to our social worker
Monday, March 6, 2006 - Shannon receives a letter from another specialist on her ability to parent.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 - Talk with social worker about setting up in-home meeting.
Sunday, March 26, 2006 - We have our homestudy meeting with our social worker.
Monday, March 27, 2006 - We receive a copy of our homestudy from our sw for review; we call our agency with some questions on our homestudy; we go to get our police clearance letters from our city police department.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006 - We pick-up a letter from Matt's doctor regarding his ability to adopt.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - Call our agency again to get criminal checks on Shannon's parents, with whom we are staying until we move. Once the criminal checks are received, we can file our homestudy with the BCIS and await our fingerprinting appointment and then our I-600A. Otherwise our dossier is almost complete.
Friday, March 31, 2006 - Received an email from our case manager at GWCA that Shannon's parents cleared their background checks. I am sure it is coincidence (not), but our "Dossier Tip of the Week" from our agency listed what you should do if you move during your paperchase/homestudy and how to file for twins (it was eerily similar to my 3/29 conversation).
Sunday, April 9, 2006 - Meet with our social worker, and hand in our I-600A paperwork so we can file to get our I-171H.Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - Our homestudy was emailed by our social worker to GWCA for approval.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - Our homestudy and CIS application was received at Dallas BCIS.
Friday, April 14, 2006 - Our agency approved our homestudy; our social worker sends out our notarized copies via mail.
Thursday, April 20, 2006- Receive confirmation from the Dallas BCIS that our homestudy and application was received.
Monday, April 24, 2006 - The notarized copy of our dossier arrives from our social worker.
Saturday, May 6, 2006 - Receive our appointment for our fingerprints from Dallas BCIS. Our appointment is for May 18.
Saturday, May 27, 2006 - We changed our fingerprinting date to Tuesday, June 6.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006 - We go to get our fingerprints done at the local BCIS office. Our letter from BCIS overlooked and did not include Shannon's parents and BCIS will have to send out another fingerprinting letter so they can be fingerprinted (ugh!)
Monday, June 12, 2006 - The new fingerprinting letter for Shannon's parents arrives via mail.
Thursday, June 22, 2006 - Shannon's Dad goes to get fingerprinted for the I-600A
Monday, June 23, 2006 - Matt gets his letter of employment signed (yeah!)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - Shannon's Mom goes to get fingerprinted
Friday, June 30, 2006 - Finally send off our dossier for certification in Texas. I am only missing Matt's letter of employment and the I-171H for certification. Shannon's physical will be 6 months old at the end of July and the Chinese consulate will not authenticate it. So, we have to send it in to be certified and authenticated NOW
Monday, July 10, 2006 - Receive our documents back from the Texas Secretary of State certified.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 - Sent our dossier to the Chinese Consulate in Houston via FedEx.
Thursday, July 20, 2006 - Received our authenticated documents back from the Chinese Consulate in Houston.
Thursday, August 3, 2006 - AAARGH! Received a letter from Dallas BCIS that our homestudy requires and addendum for Shannon's parents. Contacted our social worker. BCIS should have it next week and hopefully we will have our I-171H soon.
Friday, August 11, 2006 - send an email to Dallas BCIS inquiring as to the status of our filing and if they received our addendum. NO REPLY.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 - send another email to Dallas BCIS on the status of our I-171H; also got their telephone number and will call tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006 - Made and attempt to call Dallas BCIS- got answering machine that said to only leave a message if it was an emergency.
Friday, August 25, 2006 - Received a response from Dallas BCIS to my 8/22 email!!! We are in line to be looked at today and should hear something soon!! Yeah!
Saturday, August 26, 2006 - WOOHOO!!!! Our I-171H arrived!!!!!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - Sent our I-171H to the Texas Secretary of State for certification.
Tuesday, September 5, 2006 - receive our certified documents back from the Texas SOS; send them off to the Chinese Consulate in Houston for authentication; also send our dossier (minus our I-171H to GWCA for a look over).
Thursday, September 8, 2006 - Hear from our dossier consultant at GWCA--our dossier looks good but we need to re-do our family photos. Instead of printing them on a sheet of paper, we need to have the actual photo. Easy enough.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006 - our authenticated documents arrived back from the Chinese Consulate and off they went to GWCA. Our dossier is now complete and will hopefully be sent to China this Friday!!!
Amount of Time to Complete Paperwork: 8 MONTHS, 4 WEEKS
Our dossier arrives at the CCAA on September 15, 2006 and is logged in on October 16, 2006.
| posted by Shannon at 11:49 AM
